I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
