his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
