I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
