my vag is so smooth its legendary
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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