I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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