Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
