as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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