I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
