I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
