I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
