you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
