There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
two words...techno handjob
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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