I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
