I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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