dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I have post one night stand depression
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
