My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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