dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
