I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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