Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
