did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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