dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
