hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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