I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
