Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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