Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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