Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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