I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
