There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
