He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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