True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
