I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
