girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
