ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
