how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
