I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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