Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
