So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
