my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
