My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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