i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
someone owes me an orgasm
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
