She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I love having hate sex.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
