guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
