turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
