Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
the gays at disneyland are vicious
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
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