My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
There are leaves in my underwear?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
