We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Randomize
