Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
