I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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