Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
