Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
