The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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