So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
